Wednesday, November 24, 2010

i've been busy

b man's mom (the little guy i watch) loves to calls or text during the day and find out how her little guy is doing. he's running around now and in 2.2 he can be in the dog food, the water dish, the toilet & have all the tupperware out in the kitchen. so when she calls now sometimes - i can't answer or i say how busy we are. during his naps i have been busy editing all the cute little photography jobs i've been doing but little does she know i've been busy capturing these amazing little moments for her holiday gift.



he's finally been happy, healthy & taking naps - which means - he's been the biggest delight in my side. would you just look at those teeth?



adam stayed home on wednesday with us. the moments he is with him - my heart just breaks - adam is such a natural. yesterday the house was filled with laughter as the two of them played. he is so hands on. i can not wait until he can become the father of our children.

happy thanksgiving all.... today - i'm so thankful for all of the wonderful comments and support that i have received from my blog readers!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

update

so... here's an update on our life... trying to have a baby.

we tried with our donor for a few months - it didn't work. it was really sad. i think that after all we've been through we were both really hoping it would happen right away. since so many of my friends IRL read my blog - an update is much needed. so - since we aren't doing IVF - and Adam still doesn't feel well - we decided it would be best to go back to the doctor to get him on some medication. We went to a new urologist. after testing adam's testosterone - he told us it was in "normal range" and we were more than shocked so we decided that we should do another SA (semen analysis). that day b man's mom was running late (with more than good reason) so i ran out of the house without grabbing our "binder" (yes we have a freakin' binder with our IF) - we got to the doctors office & he explained that there should be no reason we can't have a child - yes - adam's sperm isn't the best - but that we should try. i lost my shit. i was crying. i couldn't believe it. i asked for a copy of the SA. We brought it home - it's the worst SA that Adam has had to date. The doctor doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I'm not kidding. I think it's difficult for anyone that hasn't gone through IF to understand the devastation of this. So... we decided that we'd go to my doctor to see if there is anything that we can do - Adam had a bunch of autoimmune testing done - and now he has to go see a specialist. meanwhile - we decided that we're going to do IUI with our donor at a clinic in town. Fast forward to friday - i went to Chicago to see some really amazing friends - and we're having cocktails & i ask if they want to see the childhood picture of our donor - they both said yes. i login through my phone - guess what? he retired.

not kidding.

we have to start all over. this is the song that does not end. it just goes on and on my friends.

we're exhausted. right now - we're taking a deep breath.

so there you have it - for all of you that know me IRL - that wanted to know.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Vacation




i had a great time on vacation. i always have an "adjustment period" with my mom - where i get back into the daughter roll and she's in the mom roll. with all that she has done for me over the years i love that i can now do things to help her. since my dad doesn't travel and i know she loves to & so do i - it really makes perfect sense. i love that i'll have this memory of our trip together for a lifetime. i have to say that this is one of those times that not having children makes it easier to be able to take these trips. i have a really amazing talented mom & i'm so happy she's in my life. she has become so understanding and caring about our IF struggles and i'm lucky to have her.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Praise God

i'm leaving. on a jet plane. for a week in mexico. with my mom & some friends. i can't freakin' wait! i have been mia from here because i've been so busy trying to get everything wrapped up. i can't wait to come up for air with a frozen cocktail in my hand! to take a nap in the middle of the day. to go for a run on the beach. ahhhh

my photography business has been busy. good busy. it makes me beyond happy. it's what i love to do. with more business comes the need, yes need, to build a website, more equipment & to start seriously thinking about it actually becoming a "business".

i have to say that i've had a hard time finding balance. there is always something to do - and to just sit and do nothing - i can't wait for that!

i'll report when we get back from our trip. i love my mom so much - i however - always take a day or two to "adjust" - to go back to daughter role - to let go of control - and to just be in the moment. i hope i spend the whole trip - loving being in the moment.

xo - j

Thursday, September 23, 2010

purging

i've been purging. not the bad kind. the good kind. i guess spring cleaning happened a little late for me this year.

1. i cleaned out my closet - five garbage bags of clothes. i haven't even looked at my shoes yet. cleaning out your closet is like oxygen for your lungs. it feels so good. my closet usually organized, color coded & seperated by workout clothes (yes - a whole rack of these, they are my everyday clothes too), going out clothes (dinners, weddings & wanting to take it up a notch for the mr.) and then everyday clothes. They were all on wooden hangers but found myself buying more plastic hangers - i was getting new clothes and getting rid of nothing. ahhh....

2. i cleaned out my pantry & made a list of dinner ideas that i taped to the door with the food we have in the pantry. it's all organized just the way i like it.

3. I took all the outdoor furniture and washed it in preperation for winter. it makes me a little sad that we were so busy this summer that we didn't even have one day where we sat on our deck and chit chatted over a couple bottles of beer. we did however get to see a lot of friends and family that we hadn't seen in a long time - and that always feels good.

4. i cleaned out the garage - and even scrubbed the floors w/ clorox outdoor cleaner. i took a putty knife and scraped up the oil. it really was the last thing that needed to be done in the house for me to feel like we were finally moved in. it felt so good when i was done.

the moral of the story - is that less is more. more seems like fun for a little while - but then it becomes overwhelming and you start to forget what's really important. love, safety, family, good healthy food, my camera & a treadmill are about all this girl needs to be really happy - well ok - the internet too - i could live with out it - i just don't ever ever want to.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

routine

i eat the same thing. all the time. 31 days in a month - i eat the same exact thing for breakfast for 30 of those days. one piece of toast, one egg and 1/2 slice of cheese. i know what i like. i know what i don't like. drives me nuts when i try something new (that's the real issue) and i don't like it. i can't help but think - what a waste of money, i'm still hungry & what a waste of time. i've been in a bit of a rut - eating gluten free can have very minimal challenges when you are eating from home - however eating out - can be a big pain in the butt - therefore - we rarely go out to eat - it's just easier - but my rut comes into play because i'm sick of making the same food all the time... so i tried something new! AND - it was terrible! I ended up having tator tots and a cookie for dinner - guess i can't complain too much. anyone have any dinner ideas they love?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

running

half marathon #5. done. personal record. check. no blood. check. back to my normal running schedule. check. ready for #6. check. 30 pound weight loss. check. bragging. check. gluten free has far exceeded any expectations i had. my body has not been in this good of shape since i was 17. i haven't felt this good in a long time.


i ran the half with my friend carri & the hubby. well - adam ran ahead of us - and carri ran with me until mile 9. we ran chicago together. i don't run well with others. ask adam - i usually end up walking - feeling defeated - but carri & i run like pb & j. i felt good the whole run. i got emotional at the end. teared up when i crossed the finish line - and even gave a little jersey shore fist pump. i'm not exactly sure where that emotion came from - but for the first time - i was really proud. i worked my ass off. bring it on.

Monday, September 6, 2010

proud wife

here's an article that was written for the milwaukee journal sentinel - an interview with my husband :) how lucky am i?

http://www.jsonline.com/business/102269319.html

more news to follow hopefully today on what we've been up to - think photography, crafts and half marathons!

Friday, August 20, 2010

questions

i have a lot of IF friends that ask me how it is that i'm still able to have an active role in my friends & family who have kids. i've thought about posting this and not posting this - but here goes.

1. i'm the one sitting here - just waiting to get pregnant. i'm the one who the doctors say is fine. i don't know how i would handle any of this if it was me. to be honest, although so far, everything is fine with me - it's very possible that things have changed and if things have changed, i'm thankful that i have some amazing fellow bloggers that i know will hold my hand right through the internet if i need them too. i for sure think that it has only helped me that i have the green light. i sincerly hope that this comes across loving and not judgemental.

2. we honestly had our back-up plan from day one (day one of adam finding out). it was adam's plan. i didn't agree with getting a donor for a long time. people think it's a big deal - i use to also - now - i just see it as a way to get the family we really want. it's not a huge deal. i've also had a good four years to digest all of it. but knowing that when i got to the end of my rope - i didn't have to tie a knot and hang on - i just had to make a phone call really helped me process some of our darkest hours.

3. i have some truly honestly amazing friends. most of my besties - i've known since the 7th grade. i mean seriously best friends. my very best friend melissa has three little boys - she always has the most perfect words to say to me. they are so understanding & patient with me - it's redick. they now know that i don't do baby showers and they don't push it. they just say - we understand. (thank you amy!!)

4. i really feel like i've been handing a pretty great deck of cards. i grew up safe, loved and healthy. i broke my arm when i was a kid. i had some oral surgeries. i am ADHD. i was an unmedicated ADHD kid - big deal... my father wasn't molesting me. my mother didn't walk out. i wasn't beaten. i wasn't hungry - and i sure as hell got enough love for ten kids. now - i've been dealt with some pretty serious issues - some things we had to think long and hard about - but at the end of the day - i know i'm still loved, safe and healthy and i know it's all going to be alright. did i want for things to be like this - hell no - but it has changed my relationship with my husband for the rest of our lives - and for the better.

5. the year before we got married - my brother married his wife. 16 days later - they were pregnant - and when their first born son was born - i cried my eyes out. tears of joy - there is a song by celine dion - "i've been waiting for so long - for a miracle like you..... (thinking of it now - she had lots of IVF ups and downs) that song came into my head the night i found out he was born and i'll tell you something - it was the first time in my life i felt unconditional love. holding him in my arms that night - still brings me to tears. i knew from that day forward - things would never be the same. he is the reason that i'm ok. he's the reason i know it's ok to love a child - even if you don't have your own. we have a pretty crazy bond. i do with my other nephews too - and even with lauren. my brother knows i'd jump in front of a car for those kids. i honestly mean that. the bond that cael and i have is just awesome. he's super sensitive like i am. he's a worry wart just like me. he's anal - and he even goes to bed at night with a notebook and a pencil - so do i. had cael been born after all of this happened - i may never have been able to bond with him. i'm thankful it has happened the way it has. he's 7 1/2 now. he's getting way too big - way too fast. but he still hugs me just like he did when he was two - now - in order to get cute pictures like this - i have to promise him a packer ticket in his lifetime :) i love him more than i thought i ever possibly could. its the sweetest thing ever now having real conversations with him on the phone.



6. i also believe in torturing myself. just a little bit. i mean think about it.... i run serveral miles at a time with out shoes on - you have to be a little bit crazy to do that right??

7. Lastly from the one and only Nelson Mandela, “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”

be strong. be healthy. love and be loved. just because you haven't been able to "get pregnant" doesn't make me think that you are weak. rather, it really makes me believe you are one of the strongest, loving and brave human beings on the planet who would go to the ends of the earth for a child you don't know if you will ever get.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Parents

in 1972 my parents got married. 38 years ago today. my mom from the city. my dad from rural small town wisconsin. in 1975 they had their first baby. in feb of 1978 they had their second. on valentines day. he died. in 1979 they had me. in 1982 they had my little brother. that's some serious stuff to go through in 10 years. oh - and my dad came home one day - and told my mom he bought a FARM - yes - a house, barn, acres - a freakin' farm - and that they were moving that Saturday. crazy.

my dad is a softy - he likes to tell jokes - knows more sports trivia then what's good for him - and likes to make people think he's a tough guy. i see right through it. he's sensitive, kind, caring beyond measure and so loving. i know that some people don't have a good life. they do the best that they know how - but my dad - he didn't give me a good life - he gave me the perfect life. i honestly mean that. after he bought the farm - my grandparents bought their land - if my dad wasn't home after school, my grandpa was waiting for us. my dad brought me to all my doctor appointments, he was my basketball coach and when i needed someone to talk to - he would just sit and hug me. and listen. never pass judgement. he was the one who told me about the baby boy that died between my oldest brother and i. years later - he's still everything i have ever wanted in a dad.

my mom - she's my best friend. we fight like best friends too. we're both perfectionist and completing a project together comes with great satisfaction and also with some fighting. we're so much alike. she's more talented and brilliant than anyone i have ever met. there is nothing that she can't do. she loves her family. she chooses her words carefully but loudly. she's a person that a lot of women seek out to be friends with because they respect her and value her thoughts. she's kind. she's giving. she would do anything for me. all these years later - i'd still choose her to be my mom.

there have been very few times that my parents have talked about losing their baby boy - i do know that an ambulance brought my mom to the hospital because of the bleeding and that they came out and told my dad the baby was dead and my mom had a 50/50 chance. i also know that times like that can make or break a marriage.

happy anniversary mom and dad! i love you beyond words and i'm so thankful that it made your marriage.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

its way past my bedtime

but look at this baby.... she turned one yesterday and i had the privilege of taking her picture. her momma and i went to school together, she was a year old, but at the grade-high school that i went to - you knew everyone ten years ahead of you and five years behind you.... it's rural america people....

we took pictures at her parents place - it's a photographers dream come true. her dad fixes old trucks and makes them look and sound just beautiful. they have a huge garden in the backyard, lush green lawn, a white picket fence, old car parts.... sure put a smile on my face after being there for less than 30 seconds.

this picture could easily be my all time favorite... i have 120 more to go - but i can't stop looking at it... i love my job. i love photography and i even love lightroom and photoshop a tiny tiny bit - let's not get carried away people.



thank you jess & peggy - for a beautiful setting and a beautiful baby girl

(waiting for baby kiddos - don't be hating - she waited for a long time for this one :))

sweet dreams.... j

Thursday, August 5, 2010

my mr.

this is my husband.



this is his first time holding our little niece. i love the look on his face. it also makes me a little sad. this is his first time holding her - it was just the three of us - he's been around her a bunch - i can't resist holding her - or another baby - no matter how much it hurts. in looking for our donor we spent a lot of time trying to find someone that was really really healthy. we found someone we really liked - he was allergic to nuts and bee stings - i have told some of our good friends, "if you fall in love with someone who is allergic to bees - that's your deal - if you can pick the dna - you should have the cream of the crop." adam has some health issues - nothing you can see on the outside. he has von willebrand disease. he's allergic to shellfish. friday he called me... coughing a little bit. driving in the car. reporting to me that he needed a walk in clinic. i met him at the er... because he looked like this....



the man i feel in love with. the man i will spend my life with.... is allergic to bees. in the 11 years that we've been together... neither one of us have been stung. he tried to play the cool man cool guy trick. he was going into anaphylactic shock. one iv, one breathing treatment & a few kisses from wifey later... my mr. was almost back to normal. i love him so much. for every flaw, medical condition and imperfection he has - i have twice as many. he's one amazing man... and another reason... why... i'm the lucky one.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

flowers from the yard

another thing that i am grateful for.

Monday, July 26, 2010

getting back to basics

i believe it's our generations responsibility to get back to basics. to teach our children that things will not bring us long standing happiness. i spent many years believe things would. getting back to the basics in my life has brought me great joy. i planted my first square foot garden this year. my mom got me the kit for my birthday, my brother picked the most beautiful soil for me, my husband put it together and together we planted some plants and some seeds and watched something beautiful in front of us grow & survive. my mom had a garden while i was growing up - my dad is a crop farmer - so watching plants grow and harvest has always been part of my life. adam has never been a part of it. he's like a kid in the candy store watching everything grow. today - i made my first ever pasta sauce. from scratch. with ingredients from our garden. the only thing i added that we didn't grow was olive oil and the garlic. can't wait to have it for dinner tomorrow night! i love summer!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

moving forward

i have a good friend here - she's part of the mommy group that i hang out with. yes girls - did you hear that - i have a mommy group. one of my really good friends here introduced me to a great group of girls. all of them have a unique and great story as to how and why they got their babies.... some on the first try, some with devine intervention, some after years of trying and one who went all the way across the world to get the cutest little girl you've ever seen.... the good friend here is a PA at an OB office - i told her i wanted a good regular doctor here since we've decided on the donor route - she lined me up with someone who's not taking new patients, deals with high risk, and got me in in two weeks. i met her - she has a "home grown baby" at home an adopted baby - and her partner also is gluten free- how's that for rockstar treatment... and knowing exactly what i need. i went to see her on friday - she signed the last form that needed signing that will allow for us to TTC at home.... so that's it.... now it just has to be faxed in, decide on a date... and get start... we should be excited as all get out... truth be told... i'm a little scared. or maybe a lot scared... now... it's all on me.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

a few things i love

1. tosh.o - it's not ok - and 100% amazing

2. my mom and dad - it very well might be the best thing that happened to me... yes yes yes i get that without them i wouldn't be here - but with them - i'm everything!

3. my nephews - the two year old loves onions, the five year old sings justin bieber with a gangster twist and the seven year old knows more sports trivia than i do... the feeling of pride i have in those boys must be of some comparison to how people feel about their own kids - but don't express... it's also a statement of saying that my brother and his wife are made out of pure amazement -

4. my niece - yeah yeah - the one i cried about - i put her in my mobi and she falls right asleep - she's adorable and sweet and kind and she LOVES jam n jelly nail polish by essie - also my favorite color... can you blame me for falling in love?

5. my husband - he hands down brings the awesome to awesomeness - even more awesome than the day i found out that pizza hut pizza circles in the middle of the pizza also second as barbie end tables... think about it? :)

6. decisions - they are hard - but so worth it.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

a little something

since making the decision that we've made - it's like we're 19 again and falling in love all over. who says being an adult isn't fun?

Sunday, July 4, 2010

safe

on friday i took our pal to the pool. she's six. she's never been in a pool in her entire life. ever.

i've found that the word that i try to focus on with her when i am with her is safe. SAFE: Free from harm, injury, or risk; untouched or unthreatened by danger or injury; unharmed; unhurt; secure; whole; as, safe from disease; safe from storms; safe from foes.

this little girl has spent 98% of her life not being safe. being beaten to the core by the one man that was suppose to love her. had a knife pulled out on her by that same man. being told over and over again that she was a horrible kid. it breaks my heart.

what's amazing to me is that just by holding her in the water or rather her holding on to me for dear life - and repeating the word - safe - i could feel her little body letting go minute by minute by minute. it was such an amazing feeling. as the day went on - the bravery she displayed left me beeming.

at the end of the day - she had gone under the water 10 TIMES! she was letting me teach her the back float, she jumped off the side, she went down the big slide and she didn't even pee in the pool - she told me all three times she had to go.

it's just another reason why when you help someone else - you really end up helping yourself - when i think about what she's been through in her short little life - i know there is nothing that i can't do.

Friday, July 2, 2010

done

we found a donor. go ahead - do the happy dance. we have.

turns out - it is just finding your wedding dress. when you know - you know. when you know and your husband knows... you know. when you have them saved in favorites and then you see a random picture that's too cute for words and you click on it and it's your saved favorite... you know.

i go to the doctor in two weeks - we'll get things going from there.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

summer time

summer time makes me so happy. living in texas - it was hot hot hot - we spent a lot of time in our pool - in survival mode - that was also awesome - but after months and months of brown nasty long days with no blue skies and it gets dark outside way too early - this summer is mucho appreciated.

hello sunshine - hello perfect weather - 75 and sunny - warms my heart up like an icy cold coke poured by my grandmother on a hot wisconsin summer afternoon while sitting on the east deck and sharing stories.

windows open every day - low electric bills - summertime walks - dinner on the deck and ice cold gluten free beer... bliss.

this weekend i'm headed to the house my grandmother spent a lot of her younger days in - better known these days as my uncle bob's and my aunt gloria's - i can't wait. i'll get some pictures of there amazing farm house complete with a stone house - and more on uncle bob & aunt gloria soon (great aunt and uncle at that) - amazing human beings that i'd love to put in a bottle and carry around for the rest of my life.

life is good - i'm enjoying this summer so much - and find myself spending less and less time inside everyday - i better eat it up!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

normal right?

my evenings and b man's nap times have been filled writing down jots as such (all information has been changed to protect privacy people!) all writing in () is what i'm really thinking (with my heavy wisconsin accent of course).

9325 - Allergic to bee stings (inside voice - ohh - that's not good - oh wait - grandma is allergic - all of us are ok) / 6'0" 185lbs/ light brown - blue eyes/ one sister/ Jan. 1919

6714 - no allergies / 6'1" 210 lbs (oh... lean cuisine....maybe? no boarderline) / med. brown - green eyes/ one sister/ march 1928

4376 - federal agent (smart man - daring - followed the rules but really didn't want to) / 6'0" 182 lbs / light brown - blue eyes / one brother (MBA) - march 1928

67534 - small allergy to dust mites (pussy) / 6'2" 185lbs / medium blonde - green eyes / mba (earning some points back) - dad's a professor / 2 sisters

and the list goes on

and on

and on

please someone - tell me - this is normal way to spend your evenings -

i've done some crazy stuff in my life - but this might just take the #1 position - and so goes it - crazier things will be sure to come my way. I just have a feeling when we know, we'll know.

to be honest - it's a bit comical - when i went searching for the man to spend my life with - i never thought about asking him what his maternal grandmother's sisters's other dad's dad died from - but now i sit and analysis it over and over again - maybe we'll pick out of a hat...

happy thursday - (no sappy comments allowed) this is the fun part!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

things i know for sure

1. never ever rush an artist. did i say never ever - i mean it.

2. making your bed everyday gives you a sense of accomplishmet - even if you get nothing else done - heck - even if you crawl right back in it. i never ever was a bed maker until we were getting ready to sell our house in tx - 30 days to a new habit i guess.

3. break a sweat - every single day - even if it's just for 30 minutes. it just might be the one thing in life that you'll never regret doing.

4. being gluten free is the best thing i have ever done for myself. i'm a better care taker, daughter, sister, mom to naughty dogs (one who ran away and had me doing the sob tears around the neighborhood - she ran back home while i was out in the neighborhood freaking out) a way better wife - but most important the best me that i have been in a long long time.

5. telling kid jokes with my husband makes us both laugh on the floor like we're five - it's the best. "who do you call when your toe falls off" - "the toe truck" - ha ha ha!! or "how do you scare a bee?" "BOO BEES"

6. tell your girlfriends you love them - don't be embarrased by it - tell them - we need each other - like a car needs tires (that one's for you leesh)

7. open the doors for elders. carry their bags in the airport. put their groceries in their car. listen to them. seek advise from them. wait for them. what our grandparents generation has seen - it is unbelievable and they need us - it's lonely when you lose everything around you that you love.

8. laugh. as much as possible. even if you would like to kick and scream - laugh - tomorrow's a new day.

9. don't be afraid to admit your faults. (i'm a perfectionist - i hate it and love it at the same time - but mostly i hate it.) and if you are a perfectionist - keep trying new things - even if it scares the crap out of you.

10. love the person for who they are - even when they don't pick up their after school/work clothes that lay next to their side of the bed and after you've told them every single day for the last 8 years to pick them up - i mean - that's never happened to me - the truth is - they're not going to change and i'd rather have the shirt and shorts laying around than not to have him around at all.

happy wednesday

Thursday, June 10, 2010

open book

i've been a huge fan of being very open about our infertility struggles since day one. i was open about them when i was the one going to the doctor - the one getting the testing done - and even before adam went in for his first sa. if anyone knows me - they know that i believe that it takes a village - and not just for children - but for everyone - we're better people when we talk about the bad to let more good in. for all the times that people said the wrong thing - there are so many more times when people say the right thing. it's human nature for us to hear the bad way more than it is for us to hear the good. there's one thing that gets me every. single. time. when i hear from people that other people are talking about us and judging us on how they can't believe that we "talk about it" - seriously - we could climb in a hole - hide out and never show up for anything - or when you ask us how we're doing - we'll tell you - you ask me why we don't have kids - we'll tell you - you ask us what's wrong - we'll tell you - so dick heads - if you have a problem with us "talking about it" - go fuck yourself - and be so thankful that you're not in our shoes.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

thumbs up




the couple on the right (your right) their our really good friends. the couple on the left - that's me and my mr. - in may we had a wedding, no we had four weddings we were invited to - and we're happy to report - no funeral. the boy on the right - went to middle and high school with Adam - then onto college - and they lived together in this super nasty run down boys college house and i showered in their bathroom - it was the sickest bathroom you've ever seen. the girl - we went to high school together - no joke - she's actually two years younger than us - and i graduated with her sister - but when you graduate with a class of 63 kids - you pretty much know the whole school district -

so one late summer afternoon mike (the boy) had moved to a new house with some other buddies and we were all having a typical party at their house - i looked outside and saw some familiar faces - it was cathy - i screamed - invited them in - and yep - they got married - mike stood up in our wedding, adam stood up in their wedding - and their are this super awesome amazing couple that we don't get to see as often as we'd like - but when we do - it's like peanut butter and jelly. cathy is a nurse - mike an uber smart engineer - and together they are goofy, kind, attentive and i found that after spending time at the wedding with cathy - that we have the same exact views on raising the next generation, how to eat locally and why it's important and why we both agree we've got to do something to get kids off the couch.

we also have so much to talk about - because we are both in the same exact boat when it comes to having a baby - i mean - same exact boat.... and at the end of our conversation at this wedding - she said to me - exact words - "jenny - at the end of the day, i'm still the lucky one" - right then and there - i knew we understood each other's souls - because all of you know - i love to find the reason's why i'm still the lucky one.

thumbs up in the photobooth - wasn't for happiness, longevity or to have the perfect marriage - it was simply a good luck getting knocked up suckers :))

Monday, June 7, 2010

filling my soul

photography has my whole heart. 100% of it. I have a long way to go before I have some ego crazy attitude about my work (i really hope that never happens) but just like a runners high - the completion of a photo shoot charges me. it feels so amazing to finally know what i want to be when i grow up - it took me 31 years - but with out a doubt - this is it -


maybe it has something to do with the fact you'll never again capture the exact same moment again in your life.... even if you try - the clouds will never be the same - the light - the little faces - the way the flowers open up on a perfect spring day - photography reminds me not to take life for granted. not for one single second.



it makes me feel alive. like when the first cup of coffee really settles in your tummy in the morning. happy, relaxed, collected and ready....



it gives me hope... to know that this generation can only do better - they have to....



it helps me feel like i'm making a difference



it gives me the chills.... and confidence i need




i hope everyone finds their passion - finding mine - has been the greatest gift of all.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

phew

may is over. thank GOD! the whole month was one "to do" after another... it was non stop. I honestly could not have told you at any given week what the date was. I felt like my car was on cruise control, my brain on no sleep mode and in all of that - a little clarity came my way.

i was reminded again that what another ones life may seem - it very well may not be. as i sat holding a teething screaming baby in one arm and another three month old baby in the other arm - i again told myself never judge a book by it's cover.

i always tell our pal - you have to let the bad feelings out in order to let more good in - at a friends wedding - i saw two old friends - no longer friends - relationships that ended on some not so great terms - and while i thought that maybe i wanted to have those relationships back in my life - i was a reminded that, in fact, my life is right where it is suppose to be.

exercise always does a body good. even though i didn't run in the time i wanted to run my half in - i ran - and i just keep on running - i'm loving it. i have a quote that's mine - "working out and sex are the same for women. you don't always want to do them, but after you're done, you're so happy you did." and it's true...

life will continue to challenge us - as i watch adam come home from work to see the little guy i watch - or see him feed him breakfast - it breaks my heart - with happiness and sadness all at once - i don't even want to say that i wish it was easy for us to have a family - because i think if having kids was easy for us - our relationship wouldn't be where it is today - but i wish we had more answers - the current dilemma - do we choose a closed donor or an open donor - challenges - the best part about it - we get to choose what to do with them.

gluten - it's been our of our life since the end of March - and we couldn't feel better - health wise - i'm so happy to have that nasty little bugger gone - it wasn't doing us any good anyways.

lastly - a quote i love so much...

"One must have chaos in oneself in order to give birth to a dancing star." - Nietzsche.

(our babies are going to be dancers ladies :))

Thursday, May 20, 2010

a big run, a little blood.... keep going.



on sunday i ran my fourth half marathon. i was really disappointed in my time - but here's why - between mile 6-7 my left foot started hurting. it's quite a bit smaller than my right foot and when i wear traditional running shoes - i get really nasty blisters. my right foot has been really bothing me and without the emergency run to the chiropractor - i'm not sure i would have been able to do the run at all - regardless - by mile 8 - blood was coming out of my shoe - not kidding - it was sick - it continued all the way to the end and for about three hours after the race - nasty.... so nothing like a little blood that will slow a person down - but i sure wasn't willing to quit. i was so happy that i did it - on saturday my friends abby & kelly came down and stayed at our house since the race was in green bay. abby and i have been friends since we were six years old. i don't know if it's because i've known her for 25 years or if it's because we've spent time together in another life - but we just get eachother and have weird crazy things happen to us at the same time - this week - both of us rubbing our right eye because our acuve oasis contacts were bothering us - seriously - just in the right eye - weird. she lives in san diego - with her two beautiful children, her navy seal husband, and her beautiful little dog. she is in beyond amazing shape and finished the race in 1:54 - with four weeks of training - i know gag me but all the beauty that you see on the outside - is so tiny in comparison to what an amazing person she is on the inside. it makes no difference to either one of us that we seriously can not remember the last time we saw eachother because our friendship is honestly timeless. i love that she's in my life - if more people were like her - this world would be a pretty amazing place.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

my mothers day

i'm not one to usually sleep in. i like to get up and get my day started. sometimes getting my day started on the weekend means coming right to the couch and wasting way too much time on facebook, making an extra cup of coffee and watching some dvr crap that has been loading up on my to do list.

today - the phone rang at 9am! 9 - seriously - i don't sleep that late! - i was still in bed. it was my dad calling - saying that my mom, my grandma (his mom) and my dad were thinking about making a trip up to see us - they live about 1 1/2 hours away from us - i can make the trip in 1:10 - my dad takes the back roads. i thought it sounded like a fantastic idea - my dad and grandma haven't been up since the weekend we moved into our house (9 months ago) so i was excited for them to come and see it.

my mom called a little later. she said they stopped in kiel. that's where my grandma grew up for part of her life. she wanted to stop at the cemetery where her mom, dad and grandmother are buried. that made me cry. she's on my top ten list of hero's - i grew up through the woods and over the river to grandmothers house we go - literally - my grandfather built, yes built, a bridge for us to walk over to get to their house. she was born in 1929 - the year the world went to hell. when she was 7 her father fell over dead on top of her - as she was showing him her school work. he was the ripe old age of 33. when she was 16 - her mother died. breast cancer - it was literally eating her alive for years and years. she married my grandfather when she was 18. she had my dad when she was 19. my dad's an only child. she had 7 miscarriages some into the sixth month of pregnancy in the years following the birth of my dad. seven. she has been an amazing source of strength for me during our infertility bull crap. she stayed married to my amazing grandfather and cared for him in their home so he could have his dying wish of dying at home. she tended to his every need. he had a brain tumor - my love for him is a whole different post all together. to say that my grandmother has seen hard times, been through hard times and survived hard times - is an understatement.

today - as my mom (who is also my hero, and also another post) told me that they stopped to visit the cemetery and were running a little behind it was a reminder again - that no matter how old or young we are - if we had a good mom - a great mom - an ok mom - or an amazing mom - we need them for the rest of our lives. i just feel so spoiled rotten that the two most important women in my life came to see me today :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

running update

So I read all the reviews about how it's REALLY important to start off really slow in your Vibram Five Fingers (barefoot running)... and as per my previous post about it - I didn't exactly do that - I have very few regrets in life - this my friends - is one of them. ouch, ouch, ouch - It's fixable, preventable, and I'll keep trucking along with barefoot running as soon as this half next weekend is over - I guess what I did is there are ligaments on the top of your foot that don't get used at all from wearing traditional shoes - and i overworked mine quite a bit - and my poor little feet hurt to walk on - so I've been doing a ton of stretching, exercising and icing in hopes that they just feel good enough for a few more short runs and then the half next Sunday. After the half, I'm really going to focus on running form and making the gradual transition to my VFF's.

I have been super busy lately, which is great and I'm excited that my photography is starting to take off. I don't do well with compliments - and I've had issues in my life not feeling "good enough" (took thousands of therapy dollars to figure out the root and those are the two magic words), with lots and lots of practice, mistakes and redo's - I've been really happy with my last few shoots and I hope that it just continues to get better and better.... here's little baby Griffin - the best little baby I have ever taken pictures of - he was amazing.

Monday, May 3, 2010

video...

Here is the video.... seriously - kiddo's 100% to http://christinameeusen.blogspot.com
I've said this before but if you haven't gone to her blog yet - she has redick talent!!

So I tried it on my mom last night - worked 100%! boy, boy, girl, boy - of course she's thinks I should try it on people I don't know and then find out if it works - but that's my mom - she's all about science and facts and I tend to find myself living in this little land called dreaming :)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

our back up plan

have any of you heard of the necklace game - to find out how many kids you are going to have? i had never heard of it before but last week at the neighborhood wine event - we met our neighbors - that live two doors down - heather is the neighborhood block captain - i get emails from her about once a week - adam looked at her - and they embraced in a hug - i'm not kidding - they grew up together boating - but she has a new last name now, two kids and he hadn't seen her in years - isn't that the sweetest thing? i love it when things like that happen... anyway - they have two kids, i asked her if they are planning on more - she said - we weren't - but the necklace says we'll have another one - i wanted to upload a video of me doing it - but it's not an option right now. grr. there are some video's on you tube on how to do it... at any rate - mine says two kids. first a girl and then a boy. when you do the same test on adam - nothing - it doesn't move. our friends last night... both of them - married to eachother - two kids - both boys - one of whom i watch at my house during the week - it's crazy accurate - crazy. 


here's our plan. we're going to do another two months of gluten free - and send adam back in to get tested to see if there are any improvements. most doctors say that seeing the gluten free results take 3-6 months. we're also waiting to hear back from the insurance company to see if we can go and see an acupunture genius :) if his test come back the same as what they have been - or - not to a point where IUI isn't an option for us - we're 98% sure - we're going to get a donor. 


i know that everyone reaches a different point in their infertility battles when they say that enough is enough. the bottom line for us is that we want to be parents. adam really wants to see me pregnant - three years ago - this was his idea. we've kept it on the back burner and i think it's just time to move it to the front burner and start making our tea. picking out a donor is wild you guys - it's really really wild. if any of you have been through it - have good advise - please send it my way - i'm all ears. 


feels good to have a plan. great to have a plan that we both like and the greatest to know that we continue to be on the same page and in this together. 





Sunday, April 25, 2010

it's not going to be pretty

when we have babies - this is what it's going to look like - when we really really start trying. 


there will be nothing about it that is intimate (unless you count the weekly injections in my back side, given by the mr. good thing i've been running my ass off), nothing that is traditional (or maybe this is traditional; it sure feels good to know i'm not alone) and certainly nothing about it that will be comfortable or pretty. i'm scared and i hate that even though there is nothing wrong with me (the reproductive me; not the rest of me, i'm far from perfect) - i still have to go through all of this... and then what if - you can think about the what if's until it just about makes you want to throw up. 

at the end of the day - no one knows what infertility feels like - unless you've been there - i can think that my family should be a certain way - or get pissed off that our friends don't say the right thing - but at the end of the day - they don't know - and i don't know what they are thinking, i can't possibly understand the feeling of how it must feel to conceive any other way then what i know now. i'm thankful for my blog - if nothing else - if there is someone out in the internet land that's looking for the right words to say to their friend, sister, or wife that's hurting from this - i think the best words you can ever say are, "i'll always be here for you." 

if my beauties from esty arrive tomorrow - i'm headed to take pictures of my new little lady lauren - if not - i might have to stalk the postman. 
























Saturday, April 24, 2010



i have a little tutu - tiny, tiny - that i made - it's the cutest thing you've ever laid eyes on - as far as clothes go - it's an antique white color - with chocolate brown ribbon - i've started adding light pink pearls in random places on the skirt. i have a pink headband with this amazing antique feather that get's pinned to it - some beautiful photography props have been ordered and should be here any day - they are all for my little niece - Lauren Jennifer - who I am so ready to welcome into my life. maybe it would have been easier for me if i would have known it was a little girl - maybe it wouldn't have been - i don't know - that's life - almost everything is uncertain - there is no way i can't love her with my whole heart. i think i feel better too - because adam and i finally have a plan - that makes sense to us... more on that later - but for now - the props can't get here soon enough - so i can show my niece off to all of you. 

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

be a forward thinker

that's tip number #1 from The Bounce Back - and this is what it reads: 


Tip #1: be a forward thinker. 


Whenever you're tempted to dwell in the past, repeat this single word: forward. brainstorm one positive thought and action to use to keep you moving forward. when you're tempted to indulge in a negative, regressive behavior, swap it for one that will move you forward. 


- Karen Salmansohn


In other news - I got a really super sweet card in the mail from my mom today. I have to say that when the news broke about my new niece - and i lost my shit - the first thing i got was a picture from my mom on my phone, followed by a phone call, oohing and ahhing - and me hanging up on her - sobbing of course - my mom said in the card that she understood that my feelings were my feelings and they were ok to have those feelings - VALIDATION - thank you very much :) (again, amazing words mrs. darling) and she went on to say how i've always been there for her and that she doesn't understand what we are going through - but that's she's trying - and trying is all that i need. she asked if i wanted her to be around - HELLO - YOU ARE MY MOTHER - of course i did - and then she said that she didn't feel that way when i bit my upper lip and went to spend time at my brothers house - i told her that as my world was crashing - she was out celebrating - so yeah - i didn't really want to hear about it - she also explained to me that she was a little surprised that this one was so hard - because i've always been so brave. it's hard too because you're filled with jealousy when your friend have kids and you meet the baby - and the oohing and go go and ga ga's - but when it's your brothers kid - the 4th kid - a kid that you know no matter how hard you try not to - you're going to love - it's a little much. i was just beyond thrilled that she admitted that she doesn't know - but she's here for me - and that's all i really needed to hear. 


Completely changing subjects because it's way too good not to share (and it's very possible my adhd medication is wearing off :)) I was reading Real Simple - an awesome magazine for those of us that love to organize.... fold up your sheets, top sheet, fitted sheet and one pillow case - and then take the other pillow case and put all the sheets inside of it - VIOLA - you have an organzied linen closet with no guess work as to where that other sheet is that goes with it :)  


and last (yep - no more medicine) i better start blogging in the morning - i'm oh so happy that spring is here and summer is just around the corner - and as you can tell - i'm not the only one who can't wait to lay by a pool and take a little dip :) Happy Tuesday Peeps!







Sunday, April 18, 2010

emotions

i'm a happy camper. by nature. 99% of the time - but when it rains on parade day - i seriously lose my mojo... yesterday as the four year old sobbing went on for 12 whole hours and my jaw and throat throbbed in pain today - i finally feel asleep cuddled up with my hubby and two dogs and this morning i did what i've been doing 99% of my life. i went running. i did something i could control. i ran - for ten miles. in my vibram five fingers of course. it was on the agenda today as part of the training plan for the half that's just one month away - but i ran today because i had to. it felt so good. there were even times during the run - a few times when i started to cry - but then - i stopped myself - i kept saying one of my favorite quotes, "run the mile you're in" and "NO this is your time." i ran at my best time yet. 14 minutes faster from the 10 miler i did just two weeks ago. the hubs and i went to target - and i bought an amazing book called "the bounce back" by karen salmansohn it has all kinds of tips - i've just glanced at it but here are a few of my favorties:


#4 - feeling means you're dealing means you're healing. 


#61 - a dog is more than a man's best friend it's a man's best therapist. (my sweet girls have been right by my side through all of this)


#50 - what goes down often bounces back even higher. 


and best of all - three weeks - gluten free - our marriage has never been better. never. ever. 


and ps - if you don't - check out the darlings blog - mrs. darling is an amazing writer and by no means am i trying to copy her by adding this picture - but she had a bunch of these pictures up on her blog of spring in the south - these are the most amazing trees - the color makes me so happy and right now happy is what i need. i took this last year out my car window - i thought i'd have many more years to keep taking them - lesson learned - stop and smell the roses - even if you think you don't have time. 






i'm still pissed off, mad, sad - for sure - and i will be for quite some time - but i'm allowed to feel the way - i'm allowed and gosh darn it - i will. 
  

Saturday, April 17, 2010

broken

since thursday afternoon - i think i've lost 1/4 of my weight in water. tears rather. 


i've been a sport when it comes to dealing with this infertility bull crap. i put on my happy face when people around me were having kids, i went to baby showers (that ended last year) and cried my eyes out the whole way home, i went to the hospital to visit people when they had kids, i tried to help new mom's when i knew they needed me, i tried to keep my hands in my pocket from punching people in the face when they made comments like, "it's ok", "you're young" or "it will happen" or "when this person adopted" blah blah blah.... i was such a sport that if it were an olympic activity - i would have won the gold - esp. these last three years. the first two years were easy, we were trying to figure out what was wrong with me... going to the doctor, having test done, all that crap - so it kept me busy. then three years ago, we found out that nothing was in fact wrong with me and rather with the hubs and that started a whole new ball game. while we know it's him, it's still "unexplained" - and about a month ago - i started to take things into my own hands. i read about celiac disease and how it can effect male infertility - it was a lead, in the right direction. adam's blood work came back normal, which usually happens, so he had the scope done and that also came back "within normal range" but he was on the high end of the normal range which we both felt meant that we should both go gluten free. it's good for you anyway - and we'll find out in a few months if it's working at all. it's super annoying because i was just hoping it was full blown out of control celiac so we'd finally have a real answer. in the mean time - the doctor has taken him off all of his medication because he they don't know the long term effects on the kidney's and liver for men - which is annoying too. it's also the hard part when you're dealing with male infertility because it takes 72-90 days for men to produce new sperm so it's not like women where you know each month if the egg is dropping or what exactly is going on. to say that i've become a lot more patient in the last three years is an understatement - but i've had no choice. 


with all the crap that has gone on our life and our journey to have children i do have to say that i've connected with some really amazing people that understand and know the right words to say. it's hard to hear any words from people who have children. it's not that i'm trying to be a bitch, it's just hard because they are in a place so different from where we are. they don't go home to an empty house. 


during this time i have also tried to find something to hold on to - to keep the dream alive. i have two brothers, i'm the only girl... i would always tell people, - if we have to go through this living hell - we sure as better get the first girl -my brother just had his fourth kid. he had three boys - i prepared myself for him to have another boy - i watched his wife rub her belly, the family talk about the baby, everyone getting excited - hear my mom talk about what she was going to make and i pretended - and then i'd get in the car and cry all the way home - it was bad enough the last time, this time - it about killed me - then they had a little girl. yep. i'm broken - into so many pieces it's really hard right now to even think about which piece i'm going to pick up first. this fucking sucks. 

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

running and wish list

i'm a big fan of making list. i even like to make a list after i'm done doing things just for the satisfaction of crossing things off a list. i also like to make goals, some big but mostly all small, and follow up with myself to see how far i've come and also just how far we have to go... so a while back on one of my post were these four wishes:


4 things on my wish list

* paying off adam's student loans 
* more photography props
* a magic wand to teach me photoshop
* being a barefoot runner!!

i'm happy to report that they are all trucking along - but - being a barefoot runner is the one i'm most excited about right now. i ran seven miles on sunday barefoot and it sparked a lot of conversation via facebook - so i wanted to share the who, what, where and why i decided barefoot is the route for me. 

these are the "shoes" i wear. through the mud, water, bark, asphalt and gravel. yes, they are on my kitchen table, don't judge, i've cleaned it - my husband didn't want the dogs to chew them :) 


as i kid. i ran and ran and ran and ran... as soon as the snow was melted and i could be outside - i was - and i was outside barefoot. all summer long. unless of course my dad yelled at me to put shoes on - or - i had just gotten a new pair of shoes because i love the smell of new shoes. when we were living in texas and doing jay johnson's bootcamp, barefoot Kevin, was one of our trainers. sometimes he wore these shoes but mostly, he wore nothing (shoes people, shoes). all the five fingers do is protect your feet a little bit from the terian. i say a little because it still hurts when gravel gets penetrated onto the soul of your foot with such a tiny bit of rubber protecting you. so of course, they look funny - and i asked kevin, "why do you run in these?" his answer, "it's how we are designed to run" - right right - weirdo - but the those words and his explanation of how we are suppose to run - made total sense to me. 

i got the shoes this year for my birthday, mid training for this next half and didn't really know how you were suppose to "start running" in them - i looked online at a lot of different sites and blogs and they all said, run 1/2 mile or a mile at a time, start out slow... me... start off slow? you've got to be kidding me. Then there's a whole new method of "pose" running to run correctly - So I figured that I start when this half was done - because 1/2 mile or a 1 mile run isn't part of the "training guide". as my five fingers were sitting in my closet I swear i heard them all night just crying for me to put them on. so i would. to play inside, work outside on the lawn or run to the store. and i did run a mile in them on the treadmill one day - just for kicks. it felt great. 

sunday came, long run day for training. adam was in chicago all weekend and i figured - if my feet hurt, i'll turn around, if they feel great - i'll keep going. so i packed up my waterbottle, some gu chews, my ipod, my garmin, and put my five fingers on my feet. i headed out the door to run on some trails by our house. next thing you know - i looked down and i had run a mile... felt good... kept going - next thing you know - i looked down again - 3.44 miles - not kidding. i love the quote "run the mile you are in" because typically running isn't all enjoyment for me and i find myself looking down at my garmin maybe a little too often - i was running about 45 seconds faster a mile on my pace - no joke. any runner knows that some days - the runners high starts before it really even begins - i'm not sure if i was just in my groove, proud of myself for wearing the shoes or what it was - but regardless - i kept trucking along. by the time i got close to my house i was a little over six miles... i had a tiny bit of pain in my left big toe. that's it! i got home and had the biggest smile on my face. and my knees didn't start throbbing right away - they actually never started throbbing - which is just down right amazing! yesterday - i was a tiny bit sore under my calf and getting up this morning - just a little more sore - but that's it folks... i think that this barefoot running just might become a way of life for me! 

here's the link where you can learn more about the science behind it, where to buy them and stories of other people who live there life this way... and the link for a book about a tribe in mexico that's been doing this centuries - and they happen to be the fastest runners on the planet. it's a great book and full of inspiration! 

http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Born-Run-Hidden-Superathletes-Greatest/dp/0307266303

again, they do NOT recommend going from one mile to seven - but i spend 90% of my days - with no shoes on - i work in my house and i don't wear heels except on very special occasions. 




Tuesday, April 6, 2010

soap box

Let me start out this post by saying – I am not a parent. I have never given birth, adopted or been pregnant. I have opinions and anyone that knows me – knows that the opinions I have are strong. Strong like a runner’s legs who wins the Olympics.  I think one of the best parts about having a blog – is that I can express how I feel and it’s my blog – so if you don’t like it – don’t read it.  And – this is not all children or all parents– just seems to be way too many of them.

Some people need to get the reins on their children. BIG TIME. Most parents need to get a clue, step back and literally smell the roses.

I had this conversation with my husband the other night - parents need to raise their children. Period. The teacher at school is not going to do it, grandparents cannot do it, and the 13-year-old babysitter sure as hell isn’t the solution.  The Internet can be an amazing thing and it can also ruin your child’s life.  WHY oh GOD why – do people allow their child to sign up for Facebook? They are just asking for it! In no way find myself to be remotely tech savvy – but within five minutes of your child signing up for facebook – a predator can know where they live, what school they go to, and what they look like – where they are going to be that night - are you freakin’ kidding me? Facebook started for people who were in college – it was awesome for me – Adam was in graduate school, our friends were graduating, moving all over the country, and studying in foreign lands – we got to see what everyone was doing – and keep in touch… who the hell do 10 year old kids need to keep in touch with?  If they met someone at summer camp, teach them how to send a letter – I’m sure the kid on the receiving end is going to keep it a lot longer than he is going to keep the “say something” you put on his facebook page. If you “don’t have the time” (that’s another day) then get them an email address that you have control over. Or – how about allowing them to use the “house phone.” I remember Will Smith saying once when talking about raising his kids and his oldest son saying that he didn’t want to clean “his room” Will Smith replied, “it’s not your room, it’s our room, we are just letting your borrow it.” That’s good parenting.

Imagine if your child was taken from you – raped, strangled, killed, or – suffered and lived through all of that hell – all because you thought they should “fit in” with everyone else – take control of your kids – before someone else does.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this because of the struggles and year and years of trying to get two lines on a pee test – kids are just looking for love and safety in their lives – take time and at least give them that.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Happy Easter

check out the cute little ducky - little b man is seven monoths old - this is shortly before nap time - and i just had to get in a few shots of this amazing little guy!









God bless all of you! xo - j