questions

i have a lot of IF friends that ask me how it is that i'm still able to have an active role in my friends & family who have kids. i've thought about posting this and not posting this - but here goes.

1. i'm the one sitting here - just waiting to get pregnant. i'm the one who the doctors say is fine. i don't know how i would handle any of this if it was me. to be honest, although so far, everything is fine with me - it's very possible that things have changed and if things have changed, i'm thankful that i have some amazing fellow bloggers that i know will hold my hand right through the internet if i need them too. i for sure think that it has only helped me that i have the green light. i sincerly hope that this comes across loving and not judgemental.

2. we honestly had our back-up plan from day one (day one of adam finding out). it was adam's plan. i didn't agree with getting a donor for a long time. people think it's a big deal - i use to also - now - i just see it as a way to get the family we really want. it's not a huge deal. i've also had a good four years to digest all of it. but knowing that when i got to the end of my rope - i didn't have to tie a knot and hang on - i just had to make a phone call really helped me process some of our darkest hours.

3. i have some truly honestly amazing friends. most of my besties - i've known since the 7th grade. i mean seriously best friends. my very best friend melissa has three little boys - she always has the most perfect words to say to me. they are so understanding & patient with me - it's redick. they now know that i don't do baby showers and they don't push it. they just say - we understand. (thank you amy!!)

4. i really feel like i've been handing a pretty great deck of cards. i grew up safe, loved and healthy. i broke my arm when i was a kid. i had some oral surgeries. i am ADHD. i was an unmedicated ADHD kid - big deal... my father wasn't molesting me. my mother didn't walk out. i wasn't beaten. i wasn't hungry - and i sure as hell got enough love for ten kids. now - i've been dealt with some pretty serious issues - some things we had to think long and hard about - but at the end of the day - i know i'm still loved, safe and healthy and i know it's all going to be alright. did i want for things to be like this - hell no - but it has changed my relationship with my husband for the rest of our lives - and for the better.

5. the year before we got married - my brother married his wife. 16 days later - they were pregnant - and when their first born son was born - i cried my eyes out. tears of joy - there is a song by celine dion - "i've been waiting for so long - for a miracle like you..... (thinking of it now - she had lots of IVF ups and downs) that song came into my head the night i found out he was born and i'll tell you something - it was the first time in my life i felt unconditional love. holding him in my arms that night - still brings me to tears. i knew from that day forward - things would never be the same. he is the reason that i'm ok. he's the reason i know it's ok to love a child - even if you don't have your own. we have a pretty crazy bond. i do with my other nephews too - and even with lauren. my brother knows i'd jump in front of a car for those kids. i honestly mean that. the bond that cael and i have is just awesome. he's super sensitive like i am. he's a worry wart just like me. he's anal - and he even goes to bed at night with a notebook and a pencil - so do i. had cael been born after all of this happened - i may never have been able to bond with him. i'm thankful it has happened the way it has. he's 7 1/2 now. he's getting way too big - way too fast. but he still hugs me just like he did when he was two - now - in order to get cute pictures like this - i have to promise him a packer ticket in his lifetime :) i love him more than i thought i ever possibly could. its the sweetest thing ever now having real conversations with him on the phone.



6. i also believe in torturing myself. just a little bit. i mean think about it.... i run serveral miles at a time with out shoes on - you have to be a little bit crazy to do that right??

7. Lastly from the one and only Nelson Mandela, “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”

be strong. be healthy. love and be loved. just because you haven't been able to "get pregnant" doesn't make me think that you are weak. rather, it really makes me believe you are one of the strongest, loving and brave human beings on the planet who would go to the ends of the earth for a child you don't know if you will ever get.

Parents

in 1972 my parents got married. 38 years ago today. my mom from the city. my dad from rural small town wisconsin. in 1975 they had their first baby. in feb of 1978 they had their second. on valentines day. he died. in 1979 they had me. in 1982 they had my little brother. that's some serious stuff to go through in 10 years. oh - and my dad came home one day - and told my mom he bought a FARM - yes - a house, barn, acres - a freakin' farm - and that they were moving that Saturday. crazy.

my dad is a softy - he likes to tell jokes - knows more sports trivia then what's good for him - and likes to make people think he's a tough guy. i see right through it. he's sensitive, kind, caring beyond measure and so loving. i know that some people don't have a good life. they do the best that they know how - but my dad - he didn't give me a good life - he gave me the perfect life. i honestly mean that. after he bought the farm - my grandparents bought their land - if my dad wasn't home after school, my grandpa was waiting for us. my dad brought me to all my doctor appointments, he was my basketball coach and when i needed someone to talk to - he would just sit and hug me. and listen. never pass judgement. he was the one who told me about the baby boy that died between my oldest brother and i. years later - he's still everything i have ever wanted in a dad.

my mom - she's my best friend. we fight like best friends too. we're both perfectionist and completing a project together comes with great satisfaction and also with some fighting. we're so much alike. she's more talented and brilliant than anyone i have ever met. there is nothing that she can't do. she loves her family. she chooses her words carefully but loudly. she's a person that a lot of women seek out to be friends with because they respect her and value her thoughts. she's kind. she's giving. she would do anything for me. all these years later - i'd still choose her to be my mom.

there have been very few times that my parents have talked about losing their baby boy - i do know that an ambulance brought my mom to the hospital because of the bleeding and that they came out and told my dad the baby was dead and my mom had a 50/50 chance. i also know that times like that can make or break a marriage.

happy anniversary mom and dad! i love you beyond words and i'm so thankful that it made your marriage.

its way past my bedtime

but look at this baby.... she turned one yesterday and i had the privilege of taking her picture. her momma and i went to school together, she was a year old, but at the grade-high school that i went to - you knew everyone ten years ahead of you and five years behind you.... it's rural america people....

we took pictures at her parents place - it's a photographers dream come true. her dad fixes old trucks and makes them look and sound just beautiful. they have a huge garden in the backyard, lush green lawn, a white picket fence, old car parts.... sure put a smile on my face after being there for less than 30 seconds.

this picture could easily be my all time favorite... i have 120 more to go - but i can't stop looking at it... i love my job. i love photography and i even love lightroom and photoshop a tiny tiny bit - let's not get carried away people.



thank you jess & peggy - for a beautiful setting and a beautiful baby girl

(waiting for baby kiddos - don't be hating - she waited for a long time for this one :))

sweet dreams.... j

my mr.

this is my husband.



this is his first time holding our little niece. i love the look on his face. it also makes me a little sad. this is his first time holding her - it was just the three of us - he's been around her a bunch - i can't resist holding her - or another baby - no matter how much it hurts. in looking for our donor we spent a lot of time trying to find someone that was really really healthy. we found someone we really liked - he was allergic to nuts and bee stings - i have told some of our good friends, "if you fall in love with someone who is allergic to bees - that's your deal - if you can pick the dna - you should have the cream of the crop." adam has some health issues - nothing you can see on the outside. he has von willebrand disease. he's allergic to shellfish. friday he called me... coughing a little bit. driving in the car. reporting to me that he needed a walk in clinic. i met him at the er... because he looked like this....



the man i feel in love with. the man i will spend my life with.... is allergic to bees. in the 11 years that we've been together... neither one of us have been stung. he tried to play the cool man cool guy trick. he was going into anaphylactic shock. one iv, one breathing treatment & a few kisses from wifey later... my mr. was almost back to normal. i love him so much. for every flaw, medical condition and imperfection he has - i have twice as many. he's one amazing man... and another reason... why... i'm the lucky one.