questions

i have a lot of IF friends that ask me how it is that i'm still able to have an active role in my friends & family who have kids. i've thought about posting this and not posting this - but here goes.

1. i'm the one sitting here - just waiting to get pregnant. i'm the one who the doctors say is fine. i don't know how i would handle any of this if it was me. to be honest, although so far, everything is fine with me - it's very possible that things have changed and if things have changed, i'm thankful that i have some amazing fellow bloggers that i know will hold my hand right through the internet if i need them too. i for sure think that it has only helped me that i have the green light. i sincerly hope that this comes across loving and not judgemental.

2. we honestly had our back-up plan from day one (day one of adam finding out). it was adam's plan. i didn't agree with getting a donor for a long time. people think it's a big deal - i use to also - now - i just see it as a way to get the family we really want. it's not a huge deal. i've also had a good four years to digest all of it. but knowing that when i got to the end of my rope - i didn't have to tie a knot and hang on - i just had to make a phone call really helped me process some of our darkest hours.

3. i have some truly honestly amazing friends. most of my besties - i've known since the 7th grade. i mean seriously best friends. my very best friend melissa has three little boys - she always has the most perfect words to say to me. they are so understanding & patient with me - it's redick. they now know that i don't do baby showers and they don't push it. they just say - we understand. (thank you amy!!)

4. i really feel like i've been handing a pretty great deck of cards. i grew up safe, loved and healthy. i broke my arm when i was a kid. i had some oral surgeries. i am ADHD. i was an unmedicated ADHD kid - big deal... my father wasn't molesting me. my mother didn't walk out. i wasn't beaten. i wasn't hungry - and i sure as hell got enough love for ten kids. now - i've been dealt with some pretty serious issues - some things we had to think long and hard about - but at the end of the day - i know i'm still loved, safe and healthy and i know it's all going to be alright. did i want for things to be like this - hell no - but it has changed my relationship with my husband for the rest of our lives - and for the better.

5. the year before we got married - my brother married his wife. 16 days later - they were pregnant - and when their first born son was born - i cried my eyes out. tears of joy - there is a song by celine dion - "i've been waiting for so long - for a miracle like you..... (thinking of it now - she had lots of IVF ups and downs) that song came into my head the night i found out he was born and i'll tell you something - it was the first time in my life i felt unconditional love. holding him in my arms that night - still brings me to tears. i knew from that day forward - things would never be the same. he is the reason that i'm ok. he's the reason i know it's ok to love a child - even if you don't have your own. we have a pretty crazy bond. i do with my other nephews too - and even with lauren. my brother knows i'd jump in front of a car for those kids. i honestly mean that. the bond that cael and i have is just awesome. he's super sensitive like i am. he's a worry wart just like me. he's anal - and he even goes to bed at night with a notebook and a pencil - so do i. had cael been born after all of this happened - i may never have been able to bond with him. i'm thankful it has happened the way it has. he's 7 1/2 now. he's getting way too big - way too fast. but he still hugs me just like he did when he was two - now - in order to get cute pictures like this - i have to promise him a packer ticket in his lifetime :) i love him more than i thought i ever possibly could. its the sweetest thing ever now having real conversations with him on the phone.



6. i also believe in torturing myself. just a little bit. i mean think about it.... i run serveral miles at a time with out shoes on - you have to be a little bit crazy to do that right??

7. Lastly from the one and only Nelson Mandela, “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”

be strong. be healthy. love and be loved. just because you haven't been able to "get pregnant" doesn't make me think that you are weak. rather, it really makes me believe you are one of the strongest, loving and brave human beings on the planet who would go to the ends of the earth for a child you don't know if you will ever get.