it's not going to be pretty

when we have babies - this is what it's going to look like - when we really really start trying. 

there will be nothing about it that is intimate (unless you count the weekly injections in my back side, given by the mr. good thing i've been running my ass off), nothing that is traditional (or maybe this is traditional; it sure feels good to know i'm not alone) and certainly nothing about it that will be comfortable or pretty. i'm scared and i hate that even though there is nothing wrong with me (the reproductive me; not the rest of me, i'm far from perfect) - i still have to go through all of this... and then what if - you can think about the what if's until it just about makes you want to throw up. 

at the end of the day - no one knows what infertility feels like - unless you've been there - i can think that my family should be a certain way - or get pissed off that our friends don't say the right thing - but at the end of the day - they don't know - and i don't know what they are thinking, i can't possibly understand the feeling of how it must feel to conceive any other way then what i know now. i'm thankful for my blog - if nothing else - if there is someone out in the internet land that's looking for the right words to say to their friend, sister, or wife that's hurting from this - i think the best words you can ever say are, "i'll always be here for you." 

if my beauties from esty arrive tomorrow - i'm headed to take pictures of my new little lady lauren - if not - i might have to stalk the postman. 

i have a little tutu - tiny, tiny - that i made - it's the cutest thing you've ever laid eyes on - as far as clothes go - it's an antique white color - with chocolate brown ribbon - i've started adding light pink pearls in random places on the skirt. i have a pink headband with this amazing antique feather that get's pinned to it - some beautiful photography props have been ordered and should be here any day - they are all for my little niece - Lauren Jennifer - who I am so ready to welcome into my life. maybe it would have been easier for me if i would have known it was a little girl - maybe it wouldn't have been - i don't know - that's life - almost everything is uncertain - there is no way i can't love her with my whole heart. i think i feel better too - because adam and i finally have a plan - that makes sense to us... more on that later - but for now - the props can't get here soon enough - so i can show my niece off to all of you. 

be a forward thinker

that's tip number #1 from The Bounce Back - and this is what it reads: 


Tip #1: be a forward thinker. 


Whenever you're tempted to dwell in the past, repeat this single word: forward. brainstorm one positive thought and action to use to keep you moving forward. when you're tempted to indulge in a negative, regressive behavior, swap it for one that will move you forward. 


- Karen Salmansohn


In other news - I got a really super sweet card in the mail from my mom today. I have to say that when the news broke about my new niece - and i lost my shit - the first thing i got was a picture from my mom on my phone, followed by a phone call, oohing and ahhing - and me hanging up on her - sobbing of course - my mom said in the card that she understood that my feelings were my feelings and they were ok to have those feelings - VALIDATION - thank you very much :) (again, amazing words mrs. darling) and she went on to say how i've always been there for her and that she doesn't understand what we are going through - but that's she's trying - and trying is all that i need. she asked if i wanted her to be around - HELLO - YOU ARE MY MOTHER - of course i did - and then she said that she didn't feel that way when i bit my upper lip and went to spend time at my brothers house - i told her that as my world was crashing - she was out celebrating - so yeah - i didn't really want to hear about it - she also explained to me that she was a little surprised that this one was so hard - because i've always been so brave. it's hard too because you're filled with jealousy when your friend have kids and you meet the baby - and the oohing and go go and ga ga's - but when it's your brothers kid - the 4th kid - a kid that you know no matter how hard you try not to - you're going to love - it's a little much. i was just beyond thrilled that she admitted that she doesn't know - but she's here for me - and that's all i really needed to hear. 


Completely changing subjects because it's way too good not to share (and it's very possible my adhd medication is wearing off :)) I was reading Real Simple - an awesome magazine for those of us that love to organize.... fold up your sheets, top sheet, fitted sheet and one pillow case - and then take the other pillow case and put all the sheets inside of it - VIOLA - you have an organzied linen closet with no guess work as to where that other sheet is that goes with it :)  


and last (yep - no more medicine) i better start blogging in the morning - i'm oh so happy that spring is here and summer is just around the corner - and as you can tell - i'm not the only one who can't wait to lay by a pool and take a little dip :) Happy Tuesday Peeps!

emotions

i'm a happy camper. by nature. 99% of the time - but when it rains on parade day - i seriously lose my mojo... yesterday as the four year old sobbing went on for 12 whole hours and my jaw and throat throbbed in pain today - i finally feel asleep cuddled up with my hubby and two dogs and this morning i did what i've been doing 99% of my life. i went running. i did something i could control. i ran - for ten miles. in my vibram five fingers of course. it was on the agenda today as part of the training plan for the half that's just one month away - but i ran today because i had to. it felt so good. there were even times during the run - a few times when i started to cry - but then - i stopped myself - i kept saying one of my favorite quotes, "run the mile you're in" and "NO this is your time." i ran at my best time yet. 14 minutes faster from the 10 miler i did just two weeks ago. the hubs and i went to target - and i bought an amazing book called "the bounce back" by karen salmansohn it has all kinds of tips - i've just glanced at it but here are a few of my favorties:


#4 - feeling means you're dealing means you're healing. 


#61 - a dog is more than a man's best friend it's a man's best therapist. (my sweet girls have been right by my side through all of this)


#50 - what goes down often bounces back even higher. 


and best of all - three weeks - gluten free - our marriage has never been better. never. ever. 


and ps - if you don't - check out the darlings blog - mrs. darling is an amazing writer and by no means am i trying to copy her by adding this picture - but she had a bunch of these pictures up on her blog of spring in the south - these are the most amazing trees - the color makes me so happy and right now happy is what i need. i took this last year out my car window - i thought i'd have many more years to keep taking them - lesson learned - stop and smell the roses - even if you think you don't have time. 

i'm still pissed off, mad, sad - for sure - and i will be for quite some time - but i'm allowed to feel the way - i'm allowed and gosh darn it - i will. 
  

broken

since thursday afternoon - i think i've lost 1/4 of my weight in water. tears rather. 


i've been a sport when it comes to dealing with this infertility bull crap. i put on my happy face when people around me were having kids, i went to baby showers (that ended last year) and cried my eyes out the whole way home, i went to the hospital to visit people when they had kids, i tried to help new mom's when i knew they needed me, i tried to keep my hands in my pocket from punching people in the face when they made comments like, "it's ok", "you're young" or "it will happen" or "when this person adopted" blah blah blah.... i was such a sport that if it were an olympic activity - i would have won the gold - esp. these last three years. the first two years were easy, we were trying to figure out what was wrong with me... going to the doctor, having test done, all that crap - so it kept me busy. then three years ago, we found out that nothing was in fact wrong with me and rather with the hubs and that started a whole new ball game. while we know it's him, it's still "unexplained" - and about a month ago - i started to take things into my own hands. i read about celiac disease and how it can effect male infertility - it was a lead, in the right direction. adam's blood work came back normal, which usually happens, so he had the scope done and that also came back "within normal range" but he was on the high end of the normal range which we both felt meant that we should both go gluten free. it's good for you anyway - and we'll find out in a few months if it's working at all. it's super annoying because i was just hoping it was full blown out of control celiac so we'd finally have a real answer. in the mean time - the doctor has taken him off all of his medication because he they don't know the long term effects on the kidney's and liver for men - which is annoying too. it's also the hard part when you're dealing with male infertility because it takes 72-90 days for men to produce new sperm so it's not like women where you know each month if the egg is dropping or what exactly is going on. to say that i've become a lot more patient in the last three years is an understatement - but i've had no choice. 


with all the crap that has gone on our life and our journey to have children i do have to say that i've connected with some really amazing people that understand and know the right words to say. it's hard to hear any words from people who have children. it's not that i'm trying to be a bitch, it's just hard because they are in a place so different from where we are. they don't go home to an empty house. 


during this time i have also tried to find something to hold on to - to keep the dream alive. i have two brothers, i'm the only girl... i would always tell people, - if we have to go through this living hell - we sure as better get the first girl -my brother just had his fourth kid. he had three boys - i prepared myself for him to have another boy - i watched his wife rub her belly, the family talk about the baby, everyone getting excited - hear my mom talk about what she was going to make and i pretended - and then i'd get in the car and cry all the way home - it was bad enough the last time, this time - it about killed me - then they had a little girl. yep. i'm broken - into so many pieces it's really hard right now to even think about which piece i'm going to pick up first. this fucking sucks. 

running and wish list

i'm a big fan of making list. i even like to make a list after i'm done doing things just for the satisfaction of crossing things off a list. i also like to make goals, some big but mostly all small, and follow up with myself to see how far i've come and also just how far we have to go... so a while back on one of my post were these four wishes:


4 things on my wish list

* paying off adam's student loans 

* more photography props

* a magic wand to teach me photoshop

* being a barefoot runner!!

i'm happy to report that they are all trucking along - but - being a barefoot runner is the one i'm most excited about right now. i ran seven miles on sunday barefoot and it sparked a lot of conversation via facebook - so i wanted to share the who, what, where and why i decided barefoot is the route for me. 

these are the "shoes" i wear. through the mud, water, bark, asphalt and gravel. yes, they are on my kitchen table, don't judge, i've cleaned it - my husband didn't want the dogs to chew them :) 

as i kid. i ran and ran and ran and ran... as soon as the snow was melted and i could be outside - i was - and i was outside barefoot. all summer long. unless of course my dad yelled at me to put shoes on - or - i had just gotten a new pair of shoes because i love the smell of new shoes. when we were living in texas and doing jay johnson's bootcamp, barefoot Kevin, was one of our trainers. sometimes he wore these shoes but mostly, he wore nothing (shoes people, shoes). all the five fingers do is protect your feet a little bit from the terian. i say a little because it still hurts when gravel gets penetrated onto the soul of your foot with such a tiny bit of rubber protecting you. so of course, they look funny - and i asked kevin, "why do you run in these?" his answer, "it's how we are designed to run" - right right - weirdo - but the those words and his explanation of how we are suppose to run - made total sense to me. 

i got the shoes this year for my birthday, mid training for this next half and didn't really know how you were suppose to "start running" in them - i looked online at a lot of different sites and blogs and they all said, run 1/2 mile or a mile at a time, start out slow... me... start off slow? you've got to be kidding me. Then there's a whole new method of "pose" running to run correctly - So I figured that I start when this half was done - because 1/2 mile or a 1 mile run isn't part of the "training guide". as my five fingers were sitting in my closet I swear i heard them all night just crying for me to put them on. so i would. to play inside, work outside on the lawn or run to the store. and i did run a mile in them on the treadmill one day - just for kicks. it felt great. 

sunday came, long run day for training. adam was in chicago all weekend and i figured - if my feet hurt, i'll turn around, if they feel great - i'll keep going. so i packed up my waterbottle, some gu chews, my ipod, my garmin, and put my five fingers on my feet. i headed out the door to run on some trails by our house. next thing you know - i looked down and i had run a mile... felt good... kept going - next thing you know - i looked down again - 3.44 miles - not kidding. i love the quote "run the mile you are in" because typically running isn't all enjoyment for me and i find myself looking down at my garmin maybe a little too often - i was running about 45 seconds faster a mile on my pace - no joke. any runner knows that some days - the runners high starts before it really even begins - i'm not sure if i was just in my groove, proud of myself for wearing the shoes or what it was - but regardless - i kept trucking along. by the time i got close to my house i was a little over six miles... i had a tiny bit of pain in my left big toe. that's it! i got home and had the biggest smile on my face. and my knees didn't start throbbing right away - they actually never started throbbing - which is just down right amazing! yesterday - i was a tiny bit sore under my calf and getting up this morning - just a little more sore - but that's it folks... i think that this barefoot running just might become a way of life for me! 

here's the link where you can learn more about the science behind it, where to buy them and stories of other people who live there life this way... and the link for a book about a tribe in mexico that's been doing this centuries - and they happen to be the fastest runners on the planet. it's a great book and full of inspiration! 

http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Born-Run-Hidden-Superathletes-Greatest/dp/0307266303

again, they do NOT recommend going from one mile to seven - but i spend 90% of my days - with no shoes on - i work in my house and i don't wear heels except on very special occasions. 

soap box

Let me start out this post by saying – I am not a parent. I have never given birth, adopted or been pregnant. I have opinions and anyone that knows me – knows that the opinions I have are strong. Strong like a runner’s legs who wins the Olympics.  I think one of the best parts about having a blog – is that I can express how I feel and it’s my blog – so if you don’t like it – don’t read it.  And – this is not all children or all parents– just seems to be way too many of them.

Some people need to get the reins on their children. BIG TIME. Most parents need to get a clue, step back and literally smell the roses.

I had this conversation with my husband the other night - parents need to raise their children. Period. The teacher at school is not going to do it, grandparents cannot do it, and the 13-year-old babysitter sure as hell isn’t the solution.  The Internet can be an amazing thing and it can also ruin your child’s life.  WHY oh GOD why – do people allow their child to sign up for Facebook? They are just asking for it! In no way find myself to be remotely tech savvy – but within five minutes of your child signing up for facebook – a predator can know where they live, what school they go to, and what they look like – where they are going to be that night - are you freakin’ kidding me? Facebook started for people who were in college – it was awesome for me – Adam was in graduate school, our friends were graduating, moving all over the country, and studying in foreign lands – we got to see what everyone was doing – and keep in touch… who the hell do 10 year old kids need to keep in touch with?  If they met someone at summer camp, teach them how to send a letter – I’m sure the kid on the receiving end is going to keep it a lot longer than he is going to keep the “say something” you put on his facebook page. If you “don’t have the time” (that’s another day) then get them an email address that you have control over. Or – how about allowing them to use the “house phone.” I remember Will Smith saying once when talking about raising his kids and his oldest son saying that he didn’t want to clean “his room” Will Smith replied, “it’s not your room, it’s our room, we are just letting your borrow it.” That’s good parenting.

Imagine if your child was taken from you – raped, strangled, killed, or – suffered and lived through all of that hell – all because you thought they should “fit in” with everyone else – take control of your kids – before someone else does.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this because of the struggles and year and years of trying to get two lines on a pee test – kids are just looking for love and safety in their lives – take time and at least give them that.

Happy Easter

check out the cute little ducky - little b man is seven monoths old - this is shortly before nap time - and i just had to get in a few shots of this amazing little guy!

God bless all of you! xo - j