broken

since thursday afternoon - i think i've lost 1/4 of my weight in water. tears rather. 


i've been a sport when it comes to dealing with this infertility bull crap. i put on my happy face when people around me were having kids, i went to baby showers (that ended last year) and cried my eyes out the whole way home, i went to the hospital to visit people when they had kids, i tried to help new mom's when i knew they needed me, i tried to keep my hands in my pocket from punching people in the face when they made comments like, "it's ok", "you're young" or "it will happen" or "when this person adopted" blah blah blah.... i was such a sport that if it were an olympic activity - i would have won the gold - esp. these last three years. the first two years were easy, we were trying to figure out what was wrong with me... going to the doctor, having test done, all that crap - so it kept me busy. then three years ago, we found out that nothing was in fact wrong with me and rather with the hubs and that started a whole new ball game. while we know it's him, it's still "unexplained" - and about a month ago - i started to take things into my own hands. i read about celiac disease and how it can effect male infertility - it was a lead, in the right direction. adam's blood work came back normal, which usually happens, so he had the scope done and that also came back "within normal range" but he was on the high end of the normal range which we both felt meant that we should both go gluten free. it's good for you anyway - and we'll find out in a few months if it's working at all. it's super annoying because i was just hoping it was full blown out of control celiac so we'd finally have a real answer. in the mean time - the doctor has taken him off all of his medication because he they don't know the long term effects on the kidney's and liver for men - which is annoying too. it's also the hard part when you're dealing with male infertility because it takes 72-90 days for men to produce new sperm so it's not like women where you know each month if the egg is dropping or what exactly is going on. to say that i've become a lot more patient in the last three years is an understatement - but i've had no choice. 


with all the crap that has gone on our life and our journey to have children i do have to say that i've connected with some really amazing people that understand and know the right words to say. it's hard to hear any words from people who have children. it's not that i'm trying to be a bitch, it's just hard because they are in a place so different from where we are. they don't go home to an empty house. 


during this time i have also tried to find something to hold on to - to keep the dream alive. i have two brothers, i'm the only girl... i would always tell people, - if we have to go through this living hell - we sure as better get the first girl -my brother just had his fourth kid. he had three boys - i prepared myself for him to have another boy - i watched his wife rub her belly, the family talk about the baby, everyone getting excited - hear my mom talk about what she was going to make and i pretended - and then i'd get in the car and cry all the way home - it was bad enough the last time, this time - it about killed me - then they had a little girl. yep. i'm broken - into so many pieces it's really hard right now to even think about which piece i'm going to pick up first. this fucking sucks.