sometimes it's hard, sometimes I'm the lucky one

if you are new to reading this blog - you'll hear me talk about fertility from time to time - our trials, tribulations and why at the end of the day - i'm still the lucky one.

i can remember being at my grandma and grandpa goltz house in brookfield, wisconsin as a kid and standing by the back door and asking my cousin julie - "when are you going to have kids" - julie has always been a big sister to me - and i thought it was the question you asked people after they got married. she would just always say it was up to the Lord - then they got FIVE yes FIVE babies from Russia and each one of them is just amazing - and I remembering thinking at that time - if I wasn't ever able to have my own child - adopting one - would be just as beautiful.

i also clearly remember the moment, as i'm sure most do, when ads and i decided we wanted to start trying to have a family. it was the summer between his first and second year while he was getting his mba - and he thought it was going to happen "right away". i, also remember thinking, this is going to be the start of a very long journey. month after month after month - 27 months to be exact and 33 days after my first day of each cycle - i knew i wasn't getting pregnant - and i also knew - if and when i ever did - it was going to be a miracle. ads finally went to the doctor - after they kept telling me i was ok - he went on my birthday - the results came as i was playing with my nephews - and i think for about the first six or so months - i thought - "this isn't really happening".... seriously - this will go away. miracles happen. they really do.

i also remember all the times i wanted to sucker punch people in the face for saying things like "it will happen" or "you're young" or "you still have time" or  "relax" or "we have these friends and they couldn't have kids and then"- oh really ass wipes - i'm pretty sure you've had a few kids since we even started trying - or my favorite - that i'd love to say - EXPLICT happening - sorry - "i have an idea - how about you go fuck yourself" because if you tried to have a kid and got pregnant in four years or less - i have no sympathy for you - none at all. phew - that felt good.

so why do i still think i'm the lucky one - here's a few reasons why

- my bff in the whole wide world - her babysitter's baby had surgery - melissa had to find a sitter for a few days - i don't work on friday - i could be there - to help her - to make just one day a little easier for her - helping others, helps me help myself.

- i watch the best little boy - i can love him up all day - and send him home and still have a clean house - :) not only does it help his family - it helps me - on figuring out what i'm going to do when we finally have our own - it's a great little practice round - and i must say - if we were keeping score - i'd be winning for sure.

- i get to spend time with my mom - she's really queen martha stewart - and i'm just the princess in training - like today - for example - i was making bread - realized i didn't have powdered milk - what's a girl to do - call mom - find out that all you really need is to use warm milk and not water and forget the powered milk - it worked - breads amazing.

- i get to make crafts - and lots of them - and put them on other peoples cute babies using my camera that gives others an insight to my soul and make other people feel good - and making other people feel good - makes me feel good about myself.

this weekends photoshoot

- and it's not always easy, sometimes i'm really really mad at ads - i'm mad at him for not being careful about every single thing that he puts into his body, i'm mad at him for not taking his proxeed (like tonight!) and i'm mad that chances are, we won't ever pee on a stick and get two lines.... and after 123 months of trying to have a baby - you still wish peeing on a stick would happen - you really do.

- BUT

- this isn't happening to my family: www.laylagrace.org - because if my two year old daughter was dying - i'm not sure my faith in God would be this strong - and i'm not sure that my strength from any where would allow me to deal with this at all.

- this isn't happening to my family either: www.mattlogelin.com - his wife died - 27 hours after giving birth to their first child - and he's picking up the pieces - and her friends - like my dear dear friend Maleeda - are trying to figure out their lives without a wonderful soul in it.

- so at the end of the day - if all i ever get - is my three (almost four) amazing nephews, my amazing grandparents, parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, in laws, husband, and bestie bestie girls in the world - i'm still the lucky one. (we can't forget the wiener dogs either)